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Okay, let's start off with the biggie. There are two things to know about removing seminal fluid from sheets and other fabrics; the first is never to use bleach. Bleach can render a protein stain, into which category semen falls, more yellow and that's no good. Instead opt for an enzymatic stain-removing product, like Zout, to pre-treat soiled areas before throwing into the laundry. For older, more set-in stains try soaking the item in hot water and an oxygenated bleach, which, unlike chlorine bleaches, won't have the same yellowing effect, for 30 minutes before washing.
2. Female Ejaculate
Recent studies suggest that female ejaculate, colloquially known as 'squirting' (sorry!), may very well be plain old urine. Urine, like semen, is a protein stain; that means it can be treated with an enzymatic stain remover. If you've got pets, you can use a product designed to treat their messes like Nature's Miracle. That's also a handy thing to know if you can't make it to the bathroom in time and have an accident—go ahead and blame the dog while you're at it, we won't tell.
There are loads of ways to clean up blood stains using everything from crushed up aspirin to meat tenderizer, but if you can only remember one make it this: Hydrogen peroxide is The Thing when it comes to getting unsightly blood stains out of fabric. Be sure to test that it won't have a bleaching effect on darker colored textiles though! Another trick to keep in mind is that your own saliva can remove a fresh blood stain. Weird but true! One final tip for those who have period sex on the regular: The use of a Soft Cup will allow you to get it on without causing a huge mess.
Personal lubricants can enhance solo and partnered sex, but it can also create a huge mess. Water-based lube stains should come out with regular laundering, but to be on the safe side it's not a bad idea to use a stain treatment product if you've got one. Silicone-based lubricants are trickier, so bear that in mind when making purchasing decisions. If you do find yourself with a silicone-based lube stain on your sheets or clothing, try to treat it as soon as you can, as fresher stains will be more likely to come out than set-in ones. As for what to treat those stains with? Citrus degreasers are one good choice, as are carburator treatment products. Yes, we're serious.
Leather harnesses and cat o' nine tails are popular intimate accessories, but people are often stumped when it comes to cleaning them, since you can't just throw leather in the washing machine. (Reminder: You can't just throw leather in the washing machine!) Fortunately, there is a very easy way to clean leather of, um, personal fluids and that's through the use of saddle soap, which can be found wherever shoe polish is sold.
6. Non-Motorized Toys
Washing your sex toys is an important part of caring for your sexual health; dirty toys can lead to yeast or urinary tract infections and, if shared with others, can expose your partner (or partners!) to sexually transmitted diseases. If your toys are non-motorized, they can be washed just like dishes—either by hand or in the dishwasher. If you opt for the dishwasher, use the top rack so the toys aren't compromised by the unit's heating element. (And maybe stand guard so you can be the one who unloads it!)
7. Motorized Toys
Motorized toys should not be submerged in water, unless they are explicitly waterproof, so as not to flood the motor and ruin the toy. Instead, wipe the toy using a clean cloth or rag that you've dampened and to which you can apply a small amount of mild soap. Then wipe the toy clean of soap residue and dry thoroughly before storing.
8. Silk Restraints and Blindfolds
Silk is a beautiful and temperamental fabric, which is why most people opt to outsource its care and keeping by sending their silks to the dry cleaner. In the event that you don't want your neighborhood dry cleaner knowing that much about your personal life, invest in a detergent designed for delicates, like Le Blanc Silk & Lingerie Wash, and hand wash in lukewarm water. To dry, lay the item on a towel and roll it up to absorb water, then unroll and allow it to air dry flat atop the towel.
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